Gadgetory

so you've been nominated for an Oscar you've got the dress you've got your date and you're so carb deprived that you've said 30% of your water weight I'm so hungry but there's one thing you've forgotten dude your acceptance speech like seriously the only thing you have to remember anyway I'm here to tell you that it's not enough to just write an acceptance speech these days you need to go viral your face needs to be giftable your speech needs to get hashtag and if all goes well you'll get a bad lip reading done but all that's really hard when you're an actor I should know I did a 12 month intensive mind course at Juilliard anyway I've got you covered here are eight tips to writing the perfect acceptance speech and going viral one at the entrance but not too much I'm not talking a full trip over just a cute sexy trip like enough to get Hugh Jackman to want to come and rescue you it's like unfunny and awkward and approachable and I in hamburgers but I'm still skinny I'm talking like funny awkward not awkward ugly it's the real-life version of Instagram ugly cute not like double chins - you are so shot like seriously shot I literally can't believe it I mean not literally because you want a 20% chance of winning and a group of five and we all know that one of them is a complete numpty who's never gonna win anyway but oh my god I'm so surprised so give us their space reacts you know widen your eyes big stupid mouth for the most important thing remember don't be ugly three you've been shocked for a bit so now it's time to meet and edge of your speech the thank-yous you've got your academies you've got should God's you've got your mums and dads remember this is gonna show that you're really humble despite the fact that you've got a 1.2 million dollar paycheck for that walk-on role in Modern Family that better put me next to severe magar in the commercials anyway no one's gonna use this on Twitter but it shows that you're really approachable and as long as you don't thank Harvey Weinstein you're pretty much set for inside jokes from Hollywood make sure you throw in some obscure name drops that no one's really gonna care about like thanks to the craft services crew or Fred Lee it because you were the most amazing talent agent a girl could ever ask for if that doesn't work then just throw in some behind the scenes stuff to make those mouth breathers at home really feel like they're getting an inside view of Hollywood like the fact that you and your co-star got matching tattoos it means some destiny forget the fact that you're eating crab pups in the green room while here's washed up on season 34 of Celebrity Apprentice it's gonna make you look so approachable by get political if we do anything about the lefty pinko Hollywood bubble it's that they're gonna love you talking about climate change or Trump oh I don't know the alienation of minorities women and people of color and how the makeup of the Academy essentially ensures that only the most inoffensive films win Oscars because we need to maintain in a Germany an remember the entire Hollywood system is built on a fragile framework of white male privilege what dogs about dogs love animal rights six tears I'm not talking when a cult road tears hysterical women am i right no I'm talking about those beautiful little tears that turn your eyes into tiny diamonds because remember tears look good every angle they're like sequence for your eyeballs and look while we're on the topic I know it's a lot to ask but if you could shed one perfect tear I'll share in moonstruck then that's gonna be your pay dirt number seven and this is really important because you're gonna start running out of time take a selfie there is no better way to generate content than to take it yourself remember the other steps still apply here no ugly angles look shocked but hot posed with another actor named drop a celebrity then add a hashtag so hashtag blessed to win tonight Meryl thinking of your girl hashtag stop feline influenza and finally number eight make a graceful exit the music should be starting to play you out by now so you should go out with a splash just lift up the statuette and go out on a bang a line like you like me you really like me or suck at James Cameron and that's it no a chugging domestic mid-range sparkling like you're at the BAFTAs you're an Oscar winner now and you've just gone viral so grab your statue get off stage open Instagram and start harvesting dem likes because category is Oscar eleganza and Europe win baby