Gadgetory

the roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by madrenas coffee get the Linus tech tips vanilla cold brew today and now please welcome your roastmaster James stride good evening ladies and gentlemen I'm James tribe and tonight is the big night welcome to the madrenas coffee roast of Linus Sebastian tonight we're here to honor a man who made hundreds of hours of quality educational content five years ago and has been riding on clickbait ever since but before we get into it I just like to say on behalf of all those in attendance tonight and the millions watching at home Colton that guy joining me on stage tonight I have essentially an entire team where every player was picked last you guys look like the character select screen for that band steam game active shooter you're like a BuzzFeed listicle for famous virgins I'm just kidding you guys no one hears famous bit wait is here tonight playing himself Kyle also sometimes plays a yellow face character named Lyle who we all feel uncomfortable watching but it's okay because Kyle is part Chinese and part douchebag he was allowed to bring a date tonight but Paul already had plans so gamers Nexus Steve I recognize you now sorry about earlier man we had a mix-up where I thought Steve was the guy we hired to set up the microphones man if your tech Jesus we're gonna need more nails not to be outdone Nick light is here tonight you may remember him from such roles as the Adams family's Uncle Fester oh my head is a bowling ball and finally we have that guy Tarun Tong I'm told you're Linus's ol boss or something you don't look funny at all man guys don't worry someone will put timestamps in the comments so you can skip all the people speaking of people who love segways Linus is the megalomaniac CEO who pays my salary Linus is the fast easy way to regret ever looking up a phone review in the first place so you can get on with your life because who the cares anyway just head to little man syndrome calm and enter code Grindr in that how did you hear about us section so thanks for watching guys cuz I'm fired now on a related note it's a good thing that we're doing this roast now because let's face it YouTube is a fickle mistress and now the lioness is over 30 this house of V cards could collapse at any minute which is why I brought these headshots call my people we're going to take a few pokes out Linus tonight but there's no denying he's an icon that you should probably drag into the recycle bin let's take a look at the work that bookmarked him in the first place after this word from our sponsor gay hockey stop her why not both am i being manipulated to join a crusade is there some kind of agenda let's see if I still got it you could always just bludgeon your opponents over the head when you lose hey there sexy I would like to spend some time with you tonight we are going out to purchase some adult sex baby everywhere oh my god it's full of pubes I'm a little nervous too baby I've never done anything like this and through all that time he never changed his hairstyle his wardrobe or his earrings he's like a less successful Backstreet Boy ladies and gentlemen please welcome the only in so I know who's married the West Coast Shilla Linus oh wait wait wait wait I thought of everything buddy you know what you know on this okay well I noticed your feet are dangling already so finally I get to roast Linus oh sorry guys uh Linus gave me some hosting tips before the show but I just can't do it anyway what's with all the signing man your audience isn't deaf they just wish they were is there anyone who doesn't watch Lance's videos with the playback speed cranked to 2x seriously dude the only thing slower than your presentation style is Nick's metabolism I'm surprised to see you in your regular uniform tonight I guess the your father's suit section of Valley Village must have been picked dry Linus has three beautiful children but I think it must have been test-tube babies or something cuz there's no fucking way this guy's not a virgin I know I'm as disappointed as anyone that this guy was able to breed at all but apparently he's fixed now he says he got a vasectomy but I think they just cut his balls right off lately Linus has been trying to figure out what to do next he tried to break into acting but he got frustrated because he kept getting typecast as a eunuch seriously though I gotta hand it to you and the team for making it this far though because your early videos have all the production quality of an art Kelly sex tape but with more potty humor it's a slow burn more recently Linus has been criticized for the ridiculous faces that he wears in the thumbnail images but I don't think he can help it in fact Yvonne told me that he makes the same faces in bed when she pegs him Lynas definitely has some baggage from high school and I think that's why he likes badminton he can avoid the trauma of a team locker room while still getting the bat cocks around all night but his deepest insecurity is that even though he's built one of the largest tech channels in the world the industry still treats him just like his classmates did you can't play with our toys before launch you're not invited to our annual party and if you want to play seven minutes in heaven eventually you have to come out of the closet all right it's time for me to shop and get to our first roaster Kyle handsome Kyle's channel used to be called awesomesauce many people don't know that this was actually his dad's nickname for him from way back before he was born and who could have predicted his son has become famous for taking a sticky load in the eye though I think he gets up from his mother's side please welcome thank you for that introduction James and impressive work by the way I actually didn't think Linus could sound any stupider until you started writing for LMG good evening it's it's good to be here and by here I mean not sitting next to you souls anymore all of you i J ji I know you're probably too embarrassed to ask so I'll help you out Linus do you have any offer codes for hair dye jail I'll be in touch he probably does you're looking good though J you know I think it's cute how you show if your little sports cars must be nice to actually fit in them now just honest question do you just name your cars after girls fat J never got to ride Oh cuz if so you're gonna need a lot more cars man one of the most impressive things J has ever done is his post Malone build you can really see how much hard work and talent goes into making something so precisely ugly when post Malone stands next to that PC you don't even see his face tats that build took so long to launch you should have named it floatplane hey man man you look like you've had less sleep than Emperor Palpatine still I get aroused every time I see your face because it looks like a vagina from the 70s I also love how your professional and personal relationship with Linus is the same he's the front end you're the back beautiful but seriously building a website on that scale must be a tediously grueling process kind of like watching a gamers Nexus video Steve puts a lot of effort into his work you can't tell but he's benchmarking a video card right now I'm guessing it's up his ass and that's why he's always angry I love all your YouTube rants Steve did you make one when Metallica kicked you out of the band [Laughter] Steve is known in the community as Tech Jesus but at least people believe in Jesus you corporate a show by the way I didn't bring my twin brother Lyle here tonight because I didn't think any anyone would understand him but it turns out dennis is here Dennis I think it's cool that during the Byrd Box challenge you didn't need a blindfold you just smiled Colton that's right why are you doing that I thought they put you up here with us like you need to be any lower to the ground I'm actually kind of surprised to see you here I'm pretty sure Colton hasn't been fired yet because lmg has a height requirement for termination ironic isn't it - but Colton I've always thought you'd make a great pedophile because you blend in with children it's a feature so I've known linus for let's see too long and what I've learned is Linus will monetize anything that moves I remember we did karaoke with him once and he picked a song from The Lion King I'm pretty sure that was just a Disney ad you realize you're sandwiched between ads in every video right like if you ever left YouTube for pornhub you'd have dbrand in your ass and honey in your mouth tastes better than you think the wife even knows that by the way you're at your earrings called they want the lesbian you stole them from back in case you didn't know lesbian is an abbreviation for Linus Sebastian call her unlucky but at least Helen Keller never had to see your face or hear your voice - his voice is proof that his balls are the only two things he hasn't dropped yet then again it's what made you internet famous I really loved your role as the 56k modem we all showed up to Linus's roasts tonight but we'd never go to his birthday party because he's a workaholic the invitation would say 'come celebrate Linus's birthday monday 9:00 to 5:00 free cake sponsored by savage jerky your funeral would be more fun right which reminds me when's the funeral for Channel super-fun happening that must have been fun though right making videos of you pretending that you had friends because you clearly never had any in school that's why when you grew up you had to hire 30 of them you guys have really come a long way though I remember when the profile picture for the LTTE channel was lioness dressed up in posing as Steve Jobs remember that yeah total douche bag move but it still looks better than your new logo you and Steve Jobs do have a lot in common though Linus may you live as long as he did [Laughter] jokes aside man you're all right in my book you've been an inspiration over the years and it's an honor to share the stage of theater night thanks for having me the roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by madrenas coffee get the Linus tech tips vanilla cold brewed today coming up lukla for any age I still love you man Steve Burke Avon ho and Linus himself oh I think there's no one who deserves this more than me so tired of all the beeps well now you can watch the roast of Linus Sebastian completely uncensored and get early access to other Linus tech tips content at flow plain calm yeah to me our next roaster Lou cliff ranae is like a shapeshifter who can morph to perfectly match his job title he used to play the hunky co-host now he plays the basement-dwelling software day man you look like if Luke eight Luke or if a Philip Seymour Hoffman was playing Luke you know I like that comparison because these days the two of you get about the same amount of camera time please welcome heir to the duck dynasty fortune Luke laughs Renee James sir that's all you get thank you worth any more time Terran tongue why the fuck are you here like I knew you from before but do you guys even know who he is I thought Ross were supposed to be made up of like recognizable people I think the rest of the people are are here at the very least some background Terran works at Corsair you guys know Corsair they have a logo that looks like a pirate ship he used to work with Linus at ncx I think they might have had a logo one time that looked like a sinking ship not entirely sir and like any foundering vessel the rats will always get out first [Laughter] Colton technically I left two so I don't know Colton Nick thank you for inviting me I know Colton isn't up here anymore he got kicked just like in every other situation this everyone is the kind of reward that you get for charitable work see I handed both of these to high school degenerates the only thing they were ever successful at it's nice to see something in return also Colton you still owe me for that computer buddy hit me up I'm gonna start why this section with a moment of silence that wasn't a respect of anything that was a gift to all of you it's probably the only silence you will ever have with Linus in the room I've absolutely had to get used to giving gifts of no monetary value like that one because Linus in all his generosity and fairness paid me below minimum wage for a really long time actually the first holes the whole time I knew Taran interesting kinda true I had to budget about $3 a day for food and I slept on a friend's couch well we turned his little side gig into the monster YouTube channel it is today he's kind of like Darth Vader but more like Darth helmet their dark helmet technically from Spaceballs due to his like overall stature wouldn't really fit in the suit watching him get mad is horrible cuz he's got a lot of power like Vader he's your boss he can fire you unlike Vader who would kill you what's going to get frustrated however is quite hilarious I think we actually got a little taste of that earlier on the big screen it's just a hyper energized little chihuahua it's it's too funny it's really hard to keep it in sometimes you spend the whole first movie thinking Darth Vader is the biggest baddest scariest force in the universe and then you meet Emperor Vaughn the one who's really in charge and I don't just mean at work by the way I lived with him for a while make no mistake she's the boss no question 100% I'm even pretty sure she forced chokes him in bed buddy I know it went down actually Nick you kind of look like Darth Vader but just when he takes the helmet off machine it's the problem with making fun of Linus for being like short or weak or having to be hair or super high-pitched voice etc is that there's nothing wrong with those things so like I wasn't gonna go that angle he can't change that stuff what he could change is being a terrible person but it's just not gonna happen one time we were hiking the second tallest mountain in the concert he knows where this is going so interesting it also happens to have lightning storms on it after 2 p.m. and we're doing it for a land party totally makes sense welcome to last media group so we were flown in the last minute to save him some money so we had no time to acclimate to the altitude because you know sacrifice to stormtroopers I guess and as I'm about twice as tall as he is and consume a lot more oxygen with my grown man lungs I got altitude sickness pretty quickly okay Brandon wherever he is thank you for coming I'm not dissing Brandon Brandon lovely he was carrying about 45 to 50 pounds of gear on his back the entire time I'm I'm gasping away like Nick on a Stairmaster Linus abandons us to get signatures from a witness while we potentially die lightning struck sir lightning strikes are landing all around us right in front of us I'm literally carrying someone on my shoulder as we barely hobble out in time before freakin God Himself strikes us down Linus is just relaxing in the car filming me as I come down is great it was wonderful you might be wondering he left you to die why not quit after that see his ego is so massive that his main hiring technique is gravitational pull and I mean that physically like he actually pulls people in so few people have quit - we knew group not because they didn't want to leave because they haven't been able to muster up the escape velocity that's now we're talking about people that have a god complex it's usually a little bit more hypothetical he wants to write a book about himself and beyond the potential book DLC and like subscription model and however else he's going to figure out how to monetize it it's just we at this point like sure people are gonna be interested people talking about it for a long time but we don't need the mind comp of YouTube just know I need to be one of those I'm expecting chapters like how to create an aquarium where you are absolutely the biggest fish getting bullied the early years how to sacrifice human life for fun and monetization and Asian chicks actually super approachable [Laughter] well I'll over here got a vasectomy no big deal smart move unlike anyone else I'm not gonna make fun of that but he did seem to really like the fact that he got recognized he mentioned on tech wiki he mentioned on land show it seemed like a big deal I do think he really liked the fact that someone that washed his videos touched his dick and by the way I do believe the doctor was excited I think he was actually quite into it but I do think that everyone that watches your content would just generally love to see you sterilized on the topic of everyone why is your panel mostly made up of your employees it's because they're easy targets or like no one else show up you know they're my only friends to be fair I'm assuming Austin Marquez Justine and the like would probably rather do anything on a Friday than hang out with you considering you have no friends thank you for delivering my fun you had to insert yourself and steal one more thing well you have to make everything so damn difficult like this roast for instance I had about a month to prepare for this I had a very long time to prepare for this but he's actually an incredibly difficult person to make fun of for things that actually matter I had an insanely hard time with that even then I had to crush on Star Wars references which I think was almost half of it and just straight-up embellishment for which I'm probably gonna hear about later the truth is since the first day we've met you've always had my back through every failure every success imaginable both personally and professionally no matter how many jokes are made about your height at this event to me you're a giant and I've stood on your shoulders for years I'm proud that after eight years we're still working together and it's an honor to call you my friend our next roaster has some glorious hair Steve you ever think about donating it actually I'm picturing you bald now and you might end up just looking like Nick give it up for Steve Burke thanks for the introduction James organizing a roast like this is really one hell of an accomplishment if you could get anyone on this stage other than the cast of attention whoring minor celebrities good job really I have no idea who convinced madrenas that literally just the word roast that's it was enough to make this into an advertisement but nothing says that Linus tech tips more than shoehorning content into an ad what's next Linus a barbecue is sponsored by Intel CPUs a persecution complex sponsored by AMD fans I don't mention Nvidia because I am contractually obligated to not mention LT T's parent company it's always great to see my mortal enemy Jay how's it going Jay probably asked kingpin to write your jokes tonight it's amazing that Jay found the time to be here between celebrity PC builds and forfeiting overclocking battles the guy works seriously hard I've never seen anyone take a year to build a computer quite like Jay post Malone's lucky he got that thing before he died of liver failure it's also good to see my friend Kyle here tonight Kyle I'm glad to see you're not busy phoning and yet another video from your car I don't know who will be happier when you're in a fatal car accident Walmart or the verge at least Lyle won't be held back anymore Linus finally get to you I know you've been waiting all night I'm surprised to see you smile so much tonight honestly it's amazing it's a medical miracle that your face isn't permanently stuck in your clickbait thumbnail pose how does it go it's like you got to hold it a little longer oh I'm sorry take the picture so there's an old myth that having your photo taken would suck out your soul and based on what we've seen of you I think they were probably right speaking of soul sucking experiences they're not more depressing than watching - a 32 year old man tried to promote a $700 vacuum cleaner to his 13 year old audience I don't know what cost less your sandals or your integrity it could be worse at least you're not Austin Evans hey guys this is Austin and this is paying my bills this month lioness it's it's really helpful to have you in the industry sincerely I mean that it just it makes the rest of us look so good I still remember when you tried to show the internal case thermals lioness through a tempered glass panel with a thermal camera you can't do that there's reflectivity issues there's a Mississippi issues this isn't a joke it just really bothered me for about four years now so you know I just want you to remember what it feels like to care about your job that was still friends speaking of unfunny things house channel's super fun doing or did it die with your passion for computer hardware oh that's not true Linus still has plenty of passion he shows it mostly when working on projects he really loves like stealing washed-up hosts from dying channels Riley scandals by misidentifying tampons but it's all about the engagement isn't sincerely though Linus even though you peaked seven years ago when you reviewed a toy fire truck we really appreciate having you from this industry you bring a lot of newcomers into the space it's extremely healthy I think for the rest of the industry and we are happy to have you in it I respect everything you've done and everyone on this stage except for James [Laughter] how many more left next up we've got Linus's wife Yvonne ho or as I like to call her lionesses excuse to be racist Yvonne works with Linus so during the height of me too I was constantly refreshing my newsfeed because I figured lines is a powerful guy and frankly there's just no way that anyone could sense having sex with him she didn't change her name because she's a ho for sho please welcome to the stage the one who wears the pants and the strap-on in the relationship Yvonne ho for that introduction knows James everybody but don't clap for him he doesn't deserve it he's actually going on paternity leave soon imagine all the whining and burping and the farting farting that we won't have to deal with in the office anymore [Laughter] hmm anyway um sorry excuse me I'm just uh I'm trying to look out into the audience but I'm a little distracted by the next bald spot they're like a freaking beacon I could use the shine off your forehead to like guide ships home from the sea can you just tilt your head up a little bit yeah thank you that's better that's a better look for him anyway yes I am lionesses wife and yes lioness has a wife we've been together 14 years too long and have three kids I used to tell people that I actually had four kids because Linus is a bit of a late bloomer I guess I should have expected that from someone who peed his bed till he was 15 years old I told you that in confidence [Laughter] he was a trust-building exercise we're still waiting to see if his voice will ever pass the puberty stage now a lot of people actually think that I married Linus for his money but when I met Linus I was studying pharmacy on my way to a six-figure income and he was flunking out of school jobless and had horrible pink hair pink it was gelled the same as it is now - I think he spikes it to look taller because I can't think of any other reason why he would do it we don't know it doesn't look good he actually didn't drop out of school till he made me promise to take care of him huge red flag ladies but it wasn't the financial dependency or lack of prospects that worried my mom no she pulled me aside and was like honey he's really short if you're wondering how romantic line is this you obviously have never met him and you probably know nothing about him but his idea of romance is taking me out to Red Robin and reading me a story called everybody poops and lighting a scented candle while I sit and watch him play video games she told me that was true that's all true that's true that just happened last week a lot of people ask me why I married Linus yeah a lot of people wonder that it's good that I married him before he got famous though right otherwise I'd have to compete with all these fans out there just kidding you only attract men after we got married though Linus did what a typical guy would do he asked me to have a threesome well waking up in the middle of the night to find Dennis in our in Vegas was what I had in mind this is also a true story I'm sorry Dennis there were budget constraints I'm sorry Dennis but ugly really isn't my type I'm just kidding you're beautiful on the outside a lot of people have a problem with Genesis accent but I don't I say keep practicing and eventually one day you'll say something intelligent a lot of people don't know that I actually started this company with Linus and even helped him in the NCIX days but he just took credit for all my ideas my labor and not only that but he made jokes about paying me with sexual favors why is so naive men like you don't pay with sex they pay for sex speaking of taking credit for other people's ideas though a bit Rick Kyle is here and when it comes to running his YouTube channel I'm not sure he's ever had an original thought he's copied us every step of the way he even hired his wife to help that's our awesome sauce we're not mad that you copy us though it's okay you shouldn't feel bad steve copies us too he's got the bad fashion and somehow even worse hair kudos for doing something better than us though I want my conditioner back MJ you're actually one of the people I follow on Twitter I really like some of your colorful rants but I just want to share some advice that I'm always giving - acting like a giant dick doesn't make yours any bigger [Laughter] speaking your size back when I was pregnant with my third child I thought Luke might be too actually used to live with us when we started LMG he was really messy when he moved out he left the biggest grossest stand on the floor in the room now we have our two year old son and boy it's nice to have someone who's actually potty-trained he's bought his own place now though huge grass it was an estate sale meaning he bought it from a dead guy he's so cheap that he took the dead guys couch his chairs his cutlery even though that guy's bed that's true amazing deal all jokes aside though the dead guys stuff is a huge upgrade now people ask why does lmg have so many people so - can have friends when he wanted to go on vacation last year he paid for 20 other people to go and called it a mandatory company retreat some of you might not know but Linus is actually really concerned about getting dadbod but hon you don't spend enough time with the kids to qualify for that now I haven't actually been with many other people or actually any other people besides Linus and that's probably for the best because it might be more disappointed I say more disappointed because I do have fingers Oh on summer nights Linus gets so sweaty that he soaks the whole bed and it's basically the only time he makes me wet yeah joke's on you fifteen wasn't the last time in all seriousness though you know I love you you know I think you're wonderful you're my best friend you're my business partner love of my life thanks for letting us poke fun at you the roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by madrenas coffee get the Linus tech tips vanilla cold brew today still to come Dennis liao while we're saying tonight it's not just a joke J's two cents and Reilly Murdock and I like roasting people why can't we he'll be friends keep the fire burning with the limited edition madrenas roast t-shirt available exclusively at LT t store calm our next roaster has no idea where he is or what's happening Dennis Liao is really popular on a site called rate drivers dot CA seriously I tried to punch in his plate number before this event and the whole site just crashed you think I'm being racist but I'm not making this up here's my favorite comment this is real after having an altercation at a red light with this Asian he almost ran some people over because he was texting and driving no yeah for the record Dennis I don't think you're texting you're probably taking a dick pic put your Dennis Lee out oh my god simply if I'm working with a bunch of okay it's my turn look at these people oh look I haven't seen you for a while you've been living good living big know why it's called flow plan because he would never sink wait till looking on that why are you laughing nig light as if kayo and Yvonne peep all these white people thought we age and look all the same but I can tell you the difference you are ugly James James he loved recycling and work he just he always tells people like what - psycho what to put there and he get Oh piss about it hehe never get born for recycling and he even use recycled condom and that's why his wife is pregnant I'm happy for you I guess everyone a word there's always one guy always coming to work so energetic smiling on the fucking Monday morning and saying like oh good morning how's our day and this president Reilly but I've been a so cast like my eyes was like half open like always as people really like working here and Bradley just always so happy I hate respond to his good morning so here's good morning this is a sad lioness you lost your two cats have you found them no oh have you checked you month's lunch bag share with me she showed me and yummy cover the jacket came from one of them well we have two big things to madrenas coffee and they make this event happen but why does would you print with Lambo you know that's not real right it's been demolished and good luck ok let's start oh I'm not even using this okay so let's start with something positive - he's a good guy he always give his promises and he would take his word like one of his favorite thing is firing people but cotan what mister here and this is so bad acting I'm so happy and you never like push to it your acting career if you ever think of going on a red carpet going to Oscar this is the closest you can get there's a well-known rumor that Lana's gay well it might be true a gay virgin I mean I don't think no one your gay community we fucked something like this I mean I would rather fuck look James sure Riley David came out three all the sales team is that Conan the contractor coop you're the kitchen set but now Steve you look too much like a woman from the back I'm nine two daddies so Yvonne so I can promise you that your marriage is secure speaking of secure Linus is insecure why ever since Lance got his vasectomy because I've been like so secure like he always carrying this orange screwdriver round and pocket so he has a big come on Linus nice try in fairness I've been carrying that for ten years oh we do you get picks ectomy that early Lana's sinus Lance is like an annoying irritating bossy smelly bitch is short bad breath why talented ten last ugly pretty ikurou voice that that you never wanted except for his money which he never gets you anyway he is so fucking cheap he will bring us out for dinner but he would never pay for drinks not even anything so let's be size screwdriver is there any coupons in your pocket oh you know what's in my pocket oh dang again oh I got this ten yen from my cocoa refill here is this you know - you owe me an apology you know why because I'm not interesting your tech videos I'm not interesting your cpu GPU fuck you it's like having your video it's like having a thick knife like like it's just like only my eyes oh fuck but it's also I'm like a talented caring nurse and all I do was like wiping ass this is Odette your bill guy words there's one time you're watching a pill guy idea tried to peel computer I finish before I drop it I look down why the fuck my wearing sandals and socks well - you are a nice person I'm really thankful that you pinned my wall if I broke your ceiling [Laughter] our next roaster has got to be the oldest guy in the room if Linus is tech dad J is tech grandpa if if if Steve is tech Jesus J is tech Methuselah I'm trying to express myself here if if Linus is at the height of his career J's dead lion Sanjay you guys should really do more collaborations though because you guys are actually a pretty good team J has the temperament of a child and Linus has the body of a child put them together you get one complete grown-ass man make some noise for perhaps the first creator eligible for youtube's retirement pension beta J's two cents okay we're here to obviously hang out with someone who's got a face for radio any voice worthy of mute I am of course talking about lino Sebastian but before that we've got a few people here that we need to go ahead and address in the room Kyle I want to congratulate you on the dream of homeownership big boy cars big boy clothes why don't you buy a fucking brush I am sick and tired of watching your videos and see that you're just like I've got the messy thing going I mean you're one fanny-pack away from fucking hits hipster of the year okay Luke I like you better without the beard seriously you look like a fucking unshaped vagina too pissed when James said it cuz had you shaved I would realize you just look like a shave vagina Steve so we talked recently about we don't watch each other's videos because we're too busy until recently I found out yours are the perfect solution for insomnia they're so fucking boring I cannot make it past the intro like I never see the ad cuz I don't make it that far [Laughter] Dennis hi I have no idea what you fucking said in that last side I'm sorry I've been in the studio I've watched some I have no idea what you're saying and when I go to Taiwan it's like I'm in the land of Dennis's I have no idea what's happening seriously so but but but you're sweet and I yea just smiling not wryly I don't know you know I've seen you you're you're pretty much as white girl as it gets for being a dude and when NCIX tek-tips went under I was like yes I had to see this hooker anymore and then Linus hired you yes yeah James James James we went back and forth on this I didn't know how deep I should go like how hard should I go I didn't know and he kind of was like okay your SATs okay it's a good start you know but we really want to see like a verbatim script but we use a different system recomm it's called talent so I'm kind of clicking the thing but you know something really looking at it right I'm looking at you because we don't need that but it makes you feel better I'll keep flicking the button lioness though I'm happy to see that nobody held back because I was concerned really honestly wait who should have held back with your dad I'm just saying Linus literally looks like a sock puppet without the hand I mean look at it look at the hand in there the other hand is in the other end but you know whatever there's something be said about a man who only wears his own brand though right I mean think about what you're so fucking conceited you have to brand I'm surprised you haven't sold the sweater and started putting sponsors and stuff on that and don't use that idea because I'm probably gonna do it myself but in but in terms of looks and stuff though I mean you can't really help that you can't help the fact that you look like a steel skeleton wearing wax paper for skin maybe by comparison pounds but you know at least I can lift more than five pounds so we've also we we've all seen those screaming goat videos though right I mean literally that's what I hear one of your videos come on I don't know Avon what the fuck I used to think okay Linus has he's got a good business he's I knew you were farmers he's you know go to pharmacy school when all that sort of stuff and I thought okay well maybe she realized like this is a white guy going somewhere and work you just said none of that had anything to do with it you married him when he was a deadbeat or you got with him he's a deadbeat you had to take care of him you were the one going somewhere he has a small dick what is wrong with you I don't get it I don't get it but that's okay that's besides the point I mean Linus can't control things like a statue his voice but he can control his fucking fashion sense so I'm off the cards now guys sorry so anyway we we recently were at Austin Evans wedding and somehow I don't know how this happened we got into the conversation about saw quality I wish this were a joke we're sitting there and like waiting to get into the reception and he goes on about like champion sucks you know whatever this brand is good this rands bad I wear them out in badminton yeah I mean never thought I have a conversation with some talking about sock quality while playing badminton but this guy for like 15 minutes went on and found a brand that cost a little more but has a lifetime warranty I realized he knows more about socks than anything tech related yea 1997 called it wants its hearing backs apparently with the lesbian from earlier I don't know something like that but Linus is cheap he told me - he only goes to places that he can get all you can drink iced tea he told me once he drinks so much iced tea that they double charged him and when he called him out on that he drank more than apparently all you can drink because he's that into iced tea the speaking of drinks madrenas you don't even drink coffee it is he will put his name on anything with a dollar sign behind it and this is evidence of that he recently showed in a sponsor spot one of his live streams that he didn't even know how to make it and then he said that if he drink coffee he assumes it tastes alright so if there was a if you want to talk about Schilling and people who are willing to put their name behind anything this is it I mean I was thinking you know it's nice of Linus to pay for all of us to come up here and I realize Lance isn't paying for this if there's ever been any / more overwhelming proof though that Linus will shill it's literally this event right here but you know talking about shilling and that kind of segues into the whole concept of you have a big team you need to the sponsor spots to help keep everything afloat because there's big overhead there's big expenses you did a live stream recently from your phone talking about every year you kind of have to address this topic why is LMG so big why there's so much staff it's because it takes 27 people to lift your but there's anything I've ever learned about small limp-dick terrible haired earring wearing sock warranting sellout like Linus is that anybody can literally make the dream come true as long as you're willing to pay people to make you look like you know what you're doing - and all seriously though I appreciate you you showed me that even with a voice like yours you can go somewhere online so a huge thank you I respect you and everything that you do and thanks for inviting me I know Linus cares about the environment because he uses recycled hosts Riley Murdoch you were definitely raised in a cul-de-sac a I was if god's a software developer your as MVP Minimum Viable personality please welcome the product of hitting go on a basic white guy generator thank you James you said some mean things about me but I know he's joking because this is a roast normally it's kind of hard to tell because his face looks like he just stepped in dog yeah some people have resting bitchface James has resting serial-killer face but it's actually a trick because he's actually really got a soft heart he's an environmentalist he single-handedly started the recycling program that we have at LMG he's a vegetarian you know he loves the world just not the people on it I bet he would love actually if half the population got wiped out like today just to see less trash in the landfills he's not even there I have to sit here and take it I was gonna call him a sick eco-conscious bastard there he is yeah well that actually works right and really well into my next joke he's basically Santos you know legitimate interesting character complex motivations but at the end of the day it's just a big purple dick see me I love the world I love that we have so many wonderful Roasters here Steve Burke from gamers Nexus Steve is a critical thinker a gentleman and a scholar but you wouldn't guess it because he looks like a cro-magnon man not many people know this Steve is actually a bit of a scientific marvel yeah he was conceived in a lab using ancient sperm trapped in amber oh maybe that's why you couldn't convince the verge or a real journalist me Steve me expose Intel scandal lowly dot whole thing it's just not gonna happen man why can't you get it through your hair lukla Frannie a is here tonight is out you see her name I don't know I think so Luke's old nickname was slick but I could never really bring myself to call him that when his wardrobe consists entirely of shirts that he can get for free at PAX alright work or at work but don't get me wrong I appreciate the aesthetic you've curated you know you look very happy very contented like you've just finished your third hungry-man TV dinner people say Luke and I look related and you know maybe it's true you know maybe we're triplets the other one Dennis Lau is here everybody he's the main editor for Tech link the news show that I write and host and he's also a magnificent angel look at him I know this is a roast I know he said some mean things about me but could you ever say something nasty about such a pure spirit look at him he's like a delicate forest sprite a being of light and perfect goodness Oh Dennis can we get Dennis anything do you need anything I just wanted can you give him a drink can you can someone get him yeah please he deserves all the goodness in the world oh sweet sweet sweet boy sweet Dennis no one ever can hurt you I will stop them bless you Dennis Kyle you man I'm sorry I'm sorry that was a reflex you see when I was making videos for NCIX Kyle was doing the same thing for our main American rival Newegg so he is still legally my nemesis and we've only met like twice I'm sorry Kyle Karla's his own channel of course formally named the relatable and excitable exciting awesomesauce Network and then you changed it to be tweet I mean--but would it sounds like the fifth Teletubby who's too stupid to make it on the show so tinky-winky and dips he had to leave him in the namby-pamby forest yes I googled the names of the Teletubbies for that Kyle's had a bit of trouble with the verge recently aka the real journalists they took down his Lyle characters response to their shitty PC building guide because they said it infringed their copyright and featured a racist character because he did a Chinese accent now Kyle is Asian okay but I can understand the confusion I mean it looks Mexican and his last name is Hanson I mean I hear his full name and I think and we're also being graced tonight by the presence of Taryn Tong from Corsair Taryn also worked at NCIX as we've heard nice to see you escape the Gulag man and look where he ended up you know a featured presenter at an amateur comedy roast for a minor internet celebrity but the real reason we're here tonight everybody the third most famous Linus Linus Sebastian now although I've only worked for Linus for about a year I actually worked with him back at NCIX I don't remember much from my time there only some vague flashes come through you know a high-pitched whine cutting through the office like a hot knife through hair gel a glimmer of light reflecting off not one but double hoop earrings in both ears why - why do you need so many I don't think he can even remove them now I think there have been infused into his nervous system and I'll never forget this the distinct aroma of dippity-do hardening into a jagged hellscape of spikes very affordable yes unfortunately it was 2013 and hair gel hadn't been cool for like 10 years seriously though everyone's style kind of crystallizes at some point usually in adulthood but you were 13 and you were like this is it only this but that's what we love about Linus isn't it he doesn't flip flop around with the trends in fact he never wears flip-flops only the thickest sole sandals with the sturdiest velcro those things are not coming off no matter how much of Vaughn bags legend has it that beneath those straps his skin is entirely translucent [Laughter] yeah Linus looks less like a successful business owner and more like a 1990s Circuit City employee why would I move out of my parents house I'm saving money I don't have to cook and I can even have girls over if I leave the door open okay but really guys we all know Linus is actually an incredibly hard-working creator a dedicated husband and father and an inspiring leader I can't thank him enough for fishing me out of that dumpster last year and what he's built in Linus media group is nothing short of astounding I mean you've got a huge studio hundreds of thousands of dollars in equipment and close to 30 employees now I think we can afford a stylist that's it the roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by madrenas coffee get the Linus tech tips vanilla cold brew today up next Linus gets the last word he deserves to be roasted he doesn't deserve the roast so I hope he leaves here a little bit sadder than he came the closer we get to it the more I'm terrified this next roaster is someone who definitely needs an introduction I just met Taryn Tong for the first time tonight when he tried to sell me DVDs on the sidewalk definitely representing Corsairs official position please welcome Taryn Tong so I'd like to thank head gamemaster Seneca Crane for organizing this event tonight just so you know editions or downstairs on the casting couch [Laughter] hopefully I see the view count is high enough tomorrow see still a lot of jobs [Laughter] when I usually see Linus it's at some sort of trade show where he starts waltzing in and because he's been famous he starts breaking so tonight I'm like well this is the first time in 15 years he's invited me on any one of his shows so I'm looking around and what can I break I'm sort of thinking something grand like the camera boo because nothing says no nothing says view house like human tragedy I mean don't tell your old friends about it after the show yeah speaking of internet-famous it's finally nice to meet some Michael Cole Roasters by watch long wine Jay from Chase to science Steve from capers Nexus Kyle from bit with what is a bit what kind of sounds like you know a head injury that you get after you take one too many shots of the head do you guys for finally William Hung if we all get through this night you can might come up and do our encore she bangs then there's a five Benchwarmers from leader- Media Group billion for the other youtubers who had better sense no techy tease sometimes us unfairly criticized for a lack of diversity but what I feel tonight is that we can yes we can show the world that we can in very slight diversity that we like we have the frontier this robot claw Sonny was named Dennis taking a break from devious tree turning tricks no representing China even though he's Taiwanese official communist party doctrine says it's other way around then all the hardware that James put into organizing this so I like to give him one day slow claps after months and months of preparation he managed to find one not to just one woman to participate and that's Linus his wife forever dude I mean it should be it should be a simple pitch right you know come out have a couple drinks of the few odors joke about internet culture no joke about technology with the biggest group in tinsel is west of the Rockies if this isn't progress I don't know what is your Vaughn just bit of advice keep that rape whistle and pepper spray ready and later when I tell you you run you just run but you had your chance to speak now at the wedding Jay first time we're meeting tonight even though my employer possibly my former employer depending on how the rest of the night goes that's working for several years recently I saw a really touching episode where she answers a call from the make-a-wish roundish and he's building a PC with a kid who got shot with cancer no terrible thing but be straight with me where were you really their first choice I mean what was the selection process or like going through YouTube videos and they're like fuck this here the two of them up good thing they didn't check and see how long it takes them to finish a build but series is a really good stuff I mean it shows you know the power this community and the heart that we have and it makes us all appreciate that we're all relatively good health except for Nick he looks like he's about to go in for a lobotomy tomorrow or maybe he's having a coronary I mean with those times are you trying to hide one of those and timely boners we have been sitting around for a little bit longer than we probably liked the lights a little bit warm to try to fight it but you can't so just roll with a buddy [Laughter] cheese phones for one trophy and humanity doesn't really end there though I mean I understand that he brought Steve from gamers Nexus with him tonight because Steve wanted to be on YouTube channel that was somebody watch out there as well but don't worry Steven everything C says is true about you your hair is dreamy you're just big-boned real catch and you know what for some of you has such strong opinions about cable management the hair but really really unfroze will be here when Linus asked me to come up I thought was a wonderful opportunity to support the LGBT community I mean just look at this transformation but they made from a socks and sandals wearing lesbian to a proud possibly gay men looking forward to have been taking a story rejection last I hear that Denis ago help volunteer administer so you can go from his twelve-year-old girl like nasal voice to and Elizabeth Holmes like baritone well hello this account right be log your journey will be good I think will be pretty brave hashtag courage display all the grief I get - before today today tomorrow he's preserved he's made it and he's a decent human being Kiril deep much more deeply about employees and has a lot more emotional depth than his a crappy videos may suggest - today is a more introspective version of the dumb kid I met years ago you know mastering his negotiating skills the vendors by telling them ahead of time that no we have no intention opinion I wish him more cells more views and more successfully used to come thanks for having me our final roaster is Nick light just think if all those years ago Michael Jackson had had your face today there be no controversy guilty please welcome the guy who shows up with a bat if you thumbs down a line this video all right wow what an introduction from the guy who's attempting to look like Bruce Buffer after all these roasts something a little a bit more like Bruce but hurt so we'll try to get past that I'm really happy that I get to share the stage tonight with some of my awesome colleagues like Riley you know as you've heard tonight Riley's motivated he's enthusiastic and boy is he positive like seriously this dude is weirdly positive this may be a bit far-fetched but some days I wonder if Riley might secretly be a serial killer I could easily picture you just standing in your kitchen frying up a bunch of severed fingers and saying time for the quick bits maybe maybe you'll enjoy them with a side of good gravy and Luke Luke of course as he alluded to earlier without him I probably never would have even heard of Linus tech tips never mind actually working here but Luke is the best type of guy to be indebted to his memory is so bad that he can't even remember to show up on time for the wine show you know the show that has started at the same time every week we were like seven years so I feel pretty safe in knowing that there's no way in hell he's ever coming to collect on that day Vaughn you're great too but one thing that I absolutely can't stand is how and us indecisive you are sometimes I can't even imagine what it must have been to deal with you when you were a pharmacist you know you'd be calling your patients back all the time take one of these no no take two take two take take four and then they never called you back because by the time they got the final message they were dead on a more serious note though I would never impersonate a generic Asian accent unlike some people on this stage but I'm personate Dennis all the time because Dennis is the absolute king of unintentional one-liners my absolute favorite one happened in Vegas one time you know we're all chilling in the room at CES we're catching up on emails like 11 p.m. and all of a sudden dennis barges through the door obviously drunk and just says I lost all my money and another time in Mexico we were on some random jungle excursion Denis looks over into the distance and spots this huge hole in the ground and he points to Colton and he says hey Colton the reason why you're here is so I can put you in your grave and I'm sure I'd have many many more examples of that if only I could understand half the words that come out of your mouth and who can forget our esteemed guests the three guys who had nothing better to do on a Friday night than fly to a different country country to take part in a bootleg marketing event for a coffee company hosted by the troupe of man children who brought you such classics as arctic hobby land rider 503 RC firetruck unboxing and first look Linus tech tip yes that is the full title of Linus's most viewed video and yes this is the moment where all of you should be seriously reflecting on the life choices you've made that have brought you to this very stage Kyle the man the myth the bit whip Lyle's just better I'm not even making a joke that's just Steve or as he's more affectionately known tech hey-zeus maybe if you smoked as much weed as your hair makes it look like you do you'd actually make an entertaining video I'm honestly really quite surprised that you showed up tonight all of the famous people here already don't know how to build their own pcs at least when Linus decides to make a six-part video series the audience already knows it'll take over a year to complete and land with fake excitement and speaking of Linus who can forget the reason we're all here tonight mr. Linus Sebastian Linus media group Linus tech tips Linus cat chips this guy really doesn't take a whole lot of himself I actually heard that Linus wanted to have five kids that way he could start the names with L I and you and they'd be like the Power Rangers except instead of truck joining together to save the planet they'd have to fight to keep their dads fragile ego intact after he gets old and looks a whole lot more like I do for all the hater we see online it's actually pretty easy for me to look past all that clickbait titles and shitty thumbnails they've given me the perfect title for my future tell-all book the many faces of Linus Sebastian a series in 12 parts and in addition to the many faces of Linus there are many sides to Linus it well as well so at work he's running around like a man on a mission he's got a screwdriver in his pocket he's lifting heavy servers but then you get to the badminton court and he's moving elegantly and he always makes sure to have his balance hand out when he goes up to smash that cock I mean shut shuttle cock show cock why don't we just call it a birdie I only like him because he makes me money I guess I just had that down as a note but even with all the things that we can harp on you know your height your voice the way you just drag on forever the bottom line is that you promote curiosity creativity and hard work and tech content that is second to none you're fantastic influences on the lives is everyone here and everyone watching at home and I want to say thank you ladies and gentlemen it's time for the rant you've all been waiting the man that YouTube only puts on trending to be ironic Linus Sebastian that was I was hard [Laughter] honestly it wasn't quite as bad as I was expecting they'll believe it or not that's actually the first time Nick's ever said anything nice about me honestly guys I didn't think bad Apple had a single kind bone in his body though in fairness to me you can't really blame you it would have been pretty hard to find a bone in there yeah you're smiling the fat joke Steve I mean at least you didn't call me a pathetic corporate shill by name when you did your mock vacuum cleaner review yeah it's pretty quiet I guess you guys didn't see that video that's okay you really didn't miss much it's kind of like the rest of these videos really King like here's the thing I might have an irritating voice but it beats putting the entire room to sleep every time I open my mouth then there's this tech Jesus thing like what is that I'm always hearing yeah he's tech Jesus meanwhile I'm sitting here going yeah no that can't be right I mean for one thing Jesus had 12 whole followers and for number two he eventually came back from the dead you ask me he's more like tech weird al' that's without the accordion or a personality yeah laugh it up Kyle but I mean at least Steve's videos have substance I mean I was chatting with your BFF Lyle the other day and I think he put it best he goes okay rook he call himself awesomesauce but he looked more like sweet-and-sour dork you two stupid even for the verge if it's been higher your racist Real Talk man you have any idea how offensive that voices to people what no no I can do it I'm like half Chinese on my wife's parents I'd at least unlike you guys Jay knows something it's off so Jays an expert when it comes to milking celebrity appearances for YouTube views I swear to god man how many parts was the post Malone built you got your part one you got your part two you've got your oh my god it's finally working thank God oh thank you I was like gonna make that video dude it's a computer just King build it thank God he didn't leave you a review on Yelp yeah my brand-new computer was outdated six months before he delivered it more like Jays too slow [Laughter] and there's you sorry who are you again right right Oh VP of Sales of course their memory Oh Big Shot douche you know he's lucky that they never checked his resume every company he has ever worked for has gone to get you know everyone you know before he settled into Hocking memory modules he tried to make it as a tech reviewer remembered a neo seeker oh yeah exactly right why all right his most recent victim NCIX so if that's anything to go by I'd say submit your Corsair warranty claims get your rebates in because it's the pile of dead bodies is anything to go by I'd say they got about another three years which reminds me Riley for three years I tried to poach this guy from them so hey you know Riley lmg is a pretty cool place to work oh yeah wow that's neat maybe I was better off without you you're clueless fuck he's so nice and sincere you can't be like maybe this is an underhanded recruitment attempt anyway NCIX finally folds and I sent over a proper job offer and what do I get back oh you know I really want to but my wife isn't sure if she thinks I should do it oh you want mate either you're whipped as fuck or you use your wife as a shield either it's a bad luck which brings me perfectly Luke where do I start with Luke how about before I even met him guys have can liar you know probably the biggest one was actually on his resume so it was only years later that he finally admitted that his only experience in video production was quite literally a keyboard unboxing that he made in the kitchen with his mom did you know he's actually the only reason that we implemented a dress code at our company that's right we it's a really simple one where actual pants because nobody wants to see a giant meat print sticking out of your flannel PJs I know what the dick swinging was about though it really could not have been easy for you having the stature of Batman with the status of Robin back to wearing pants though my wife now we've heard already a lot of people say well she must have married me so that she could spend my money but come on guys you got to think critically that's obviously not true because if it was the first thing she'd have bought is a pair of breasts like honestly hon if I wore as much padding as you just think of it what an innovation I could just like no it's great we're actually shopping the other week was adorable so she's all excited she finally found something that fits right and I go honey nobody hit the Isle for adult women who's over there right honestly I don't even know why I'm laughing at this joke because the jokes kind of on me I mean we're done having kids so it's not like she needs them for anything at least my wife can use power tools though you think I forgot about you so this guy invites me over to see his new apartment on a Saturday and I get there and apparently he expects me to paint his walls and mount his TV you know you're fucking useless when you trust these butterfingers more than yourself to handle your expensive electronics I don't know I guess I don't blame you though I mean so I asked this guy to hand me a drill because I'm working on things for him he goes oh I'm not a drill person is a dresser a man a table would you believe this guy served in the Taiwanese military thank God China never actually invaded James look at him over there he's all like he's sitting in the throne oh you know my roast isn't you James do you James this is your one chance to be in charge enjoy it big man I know that's what you really are textbook small dog you're always talking about your big dick energy last time I checked man your hands ain't much bigger than mine I mean okay sorry just to be clear about one thing I'm actually not saying that that's an indication oh you guys were all here when my wife was up oh you know that's actually pretty easy coming up with mean things to say about me his voice is so high his balls haven't dropped honestly by comparison coming up with mean things to say about you guys was really hard for me before tonight I accept James James you enjoyed this movie seriously though I think this is the part of the show where I thank you all sincerely from the bottom of my heart for being here I know that this was absolutely a ton of work for all of you you guys were amazing by the way you also put a lot of trust in what is admittedly a gaggle of idiots to pull this all off means a lot so as much as I want to say that I absolutely meant all of the mean things I said I love you all enough to start bottling them up again tomorrow [Laughter] speaking of the best our sponsor madrenas coffee featuring the lambo roast and this exclusive orange can we wouldn't been able to do this without you guys I also want to thank our production team and the incredible team at flow plane it might take them a while but eventually they get it we livestream this tonight exclusively on float planes so thank you Luke I also want to do a massive shout out to many people but especially Yvonne Steph Colton and James who worked tirelessly on this for some of them weeks some of the months leading up to tonight and of course finally I want to reserve my biggest thank you to our friends and our family members who are here in the audience you guys came out to show your support damn it and also to our dedicated fans both the ones that are here in the audience encouraging us even when our jokes aren't that great and the ones that are watching us from afar over the interwebs as much as that's pretty creepy you guys without all of you though none of this would be possible we owe you all so much thank you for being here and good night everybody the roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by madrenas coffee get the Linus tech tips vanilla cold brew today