Gadgetory

of all the videos that I've made on YouTube all the way back from motherboards or until now even from the hospital this is the video that I really never ever wanted to make I've been wrong actually about a couple of things and I'm going to talk to you guys about that like almost every video a lot of people make comments about my shaking and why am i shaking and all this stuff welp I found that last week why I'm shaking so bad and the news pretty much has devastated me and I'm really struggling to try to deal with it because I would rather just honestly be in self denial than deal with it but I've been diagnosed now with early onset Parkinson's disease so the fact that I'm like 54 years old hopefully they said that you know it's not going to get so bad where I can't talk and I shake so bad that I won't be able to do anything but it's affected already a lot of things in my life I can really barely even play guitar even if I play guitar for like 15 to 20 minutes my whole left side is just aching and my chest is been aching lately to the muscles in there from shaking all the time and everything have gotten damaged and that's only just one of the few things which has been going on since I'm diabetic not only have I been diagnosed this early Parkinson's disease which is scaring the holy crap out of me my doctor actually upped all of my insulin intake because they were giving me steroids for the pneumonia well when that happened I had almost a complete overdose from insulin something that I never even knew could even happen whatsoever I woke up a few mornings ago I was so freezing cold my hands were colder than ice like I literally stuck him in a freezer my body was aching and my heart and my chest was beating so loud that I thought was gonna literally blast out of my chest because I had given myself too much insulin in fact they said that if I would have given myself just five more cc's I probably would have had a major heart attack and been a lot worse I used to take just ten and ten a day so I take ten cc's in the morning 10 cc's at night and I was doing okay but then they up me to 20 cc's twice a day and that literally just wiped me out I've never ever felt so sick and then it doesn't even end there if you guys follow the channel you know that I've had both of my feet amputated already well now my foot on the right hand side has an infection in it and it doesn't seem to be going away which means it probably next I'll be getting my leg amputated so honestly I'm gonna tell you right now I'm pretty much scared out of my wits I don't know what to do because there's nothing that I can really do I've been taking care of myself if you guys see they're telling you see how much weight I've gained I barely even need anymore I can actually hardly ever even hold food down anymore because I've been so sick so all these things are really starting to weigh on me and honestly it hurts in the comments and people are just like making fun of me and talking things about my shaking I mean think about it if someone told gee you had Parkinson's would you really want to be like made fun of and like I'm a person I have feelings just like anybody else and seeing all those comments down below and like saying things like I'm on meth and all this stuff is just ridiculous anybody who knows me I don't mess with drugs I take the only drugs I'm taking are the drugs that they give me to help my pain that's the oxy that they give me and I have to take it every day in order just to be able to live my day so even just to be able to get up in the morning get out of bed and just do anything I've got to be on this oxy stuff and if any of you've ever up there been on it you know how bad it is it's SuperDuper addictive I'm not gonna lie to you I'm obviously addicted to oxy now because if I don't have it I literally start flipping out my body just completely shuts down I don't use the bathroom I can't do anything whatsoever so recently my health and all the stuff that's going on as almost overwhelmed me like I feel like there's just a giant weight hanging down on me and what's really weird is that my whole life I've been hardcore dedicated to God I'm not saying that I'm a Christian person I don't believe in going to church and all that because I've seen all the magnets that goes on in churches but I've always had a deep personal relationship with God and for the things that I've done wrong I know for a fact that I've repented and I felt sorry for the things I've done and really did it so I'm actually less afraid to die than I am to get my leg cut off thing about getting my leg cut off literally just scares the hell out of me the Parkinson's yeah they've given me some medicine so some days it's better than others but the very thought that I'm gonna get my leg cut off and I didn't be able to stand up to go pee or walk up the stairs to my room or do anything it's got a cloud over me and I really really don't know what to do about it so honestly I know that a lot of people out there are atheists you guys don't believe in anything whatsoever you know that's your choice you know but honestly for me I feel believing in a higher power I don't really put this in exactly words but it gives me something to to like better myself believing in God the way that I do and the way that that things are supposed to be I really don't like doing bad stuff I really don't like a long time ago guys know I got mad and I said said the people it was because I was really freaking out I had lost both my feet I mean people might think oh yeah you know it's really no big deal but I'm a guy he was a physical guy I used to do stuff all the time and then it went to I can barely even walk so thinking that I'm gonna get my leg cut off is like literally freaking me out like I don't know what to do I took infection medicine antibiotics so much that I destroyed my gut yeah completely destroyed my gut and I found out for my doctors that's one of the reasons why I'm not really able to hold any food down is because I now have to balance my gut out with probiotics in order to take the right stuff going on in my stomach because the antibiotics have killed me so I had to stop using the antibiotics and as soon as I stopped using those antibiotics my foot just got repeatedly worse and worse and worse and worse I behold right now my foot about this big around it's not as big around as the original thing that made me get my foot amputated but the fact that I'm not getting very much blood flow to my hands or to my feet because of Raymond's disease I'm just not healing and I don't know what to do with this stuff I really don't like I don't even know how long I'll be able to keep doing YouTube videos to be honest with you I want to do this this will I've always wanted to do I've always wanted to bring stuff to the table to people help people out that's always been my goal but if it gets to the point where I can't even walk I don't know what's gonna happen from one thing in the house I live in my room and everything of mine other than my studios and stuff is all you know upstairs I got my recording studio down here and we have one room downstairs but I'll probably have to have Anthony come over tear that a whole room down move stuff upstairs and I'll be stuck down here and I'll be honest with you I don't like it down here I don't like the bathroom down here I don't like being down there I just I don't know what it is I just don't like being down here when I first moved here the guy who was living with me his dad owned the house and they literally had me and Buddy behind fences if you guys paid attention to channel I made a video about that a long time ago they literally had me blocked in in cages I was in this little area that you see right here and you can about maybe 15 feet that way there was a giant cage and pretty much me and buddy were stuck in a cage for the first eight months that I lived here it literally drove me nuts my depression level just rose I was suicidal honestly I was thinking every day I just want to end this life the only reason I didn't kill myself is I didn't really want to hurt my parents and friends who care about me and just do that especially I can't really go into things other people get upset but I've had friends who've had their fathers pass away from suicide and I really didn't want to lay that crap on their plate so I just keep struggling and struggling and struggling to keep going but it's honestly it's starting to get too much from me and like I said I'm less afraid to die and then I am to get my leg cut off now I know suicides a sin so I can't really commit suicide or I go straight to hell according to you know the powers that be so even that's kind of a gateway that's even blocked to me so no matter how much even if I feel that way I know that I'm not going to do it whatsoever I think about it but even to think about that and have that in my mindset that I would rather be dead than be dealing with this stuff is a terrible place to be it's really really hard for me it just is and if any of you guys out there and I know there's many of you because you've contacted me you guys help help those shoes you know what I'm talking about when it gets the point where your bad health keeps you from even living any type of a normal life you're really not living anymore and I feel like I'm really not living anymore I'm just existing many times Jesus comes to work he's got to sit around and sit down here and just pick his butt or do whatever and so I'm ready to get up and do the work and that's really unfair to him I feel like about it but there's nothing I can do because my hell's so bad so please the future when you watch the video I'm shaking it's not because I'm on drugs and it's not because of my nerve damage anymore it's because I've been diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's disease and hopefully with the medications it won't get any worse I'm gonna try to stay here for you guys as long as possible to make as many videos as possible until I can but the way things are looking I honestly feel that I'm not even gonna be alive very much longer I feel like my body's gonna shut down and I'm going to die I'm in constant pain 24 hours a day I'm always freezing cold all the time I don't know what's going on I'm going back to the doctor again on Monday where I hopefully can figure some of this stuff out but honestly things are getting really scary and really hairy all at the same time so I really never wanted to make this video I didn't really want to say anything to anybody about it but the fact is that everybody like if he seems like they're mocking me or making fun about the shaking and and that's just got to the point where I I have to just say something you know when friends of mine and family who don't know about to see this they're gonna probably freak out and probably be angry at me and wide it and share this stuff with them but honestly if I had it my way on this particular subject I would lie to everybody including myself because I just don't want to face the consequences of what's gonna happen with my body I don't know if this parks and stuff kind of like in a year I'll be so bad that I shake like a leaf and can't talk or if the medication and it will help me and the fact the infection is in my foot I don't know if they're gonna have to cut my whole leg off part of my leg you know I don't know exactly what's going on there but all in all it's a very scary road to be on so please when you watch the videos please have consideration like I said I'm a person like everybody else out there I have feelings and to see all those comments like that it really hurts me a lot I don't try to do anything to hurt anybody in this life I never had that's not who I am so please honestly I asked you from my heart please please be considerate and not mocking me about this stuff it's hard enough to deal with on its own it's scary enough to deal with this on its own much less having to have people making fun of you and accusing you're a meth and all this stuff when you're shaking I'm not shaking because of drugs I'm shaking because I have Parkinson's disease my health is really bad I want to be here for you guys I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to be here for you guys so until the time that that I asked you be courteous I try to be courteous to you I try to bring you guys the best videos I can so please have just that wee bit of respect for me and I'll appreciate and love you all more than I even do now so thank you I never wanted to make this video but I don't want to lie to the entire world anymore it's time you guys know what's going on